Monday, July 30, 2007

Bonding In The Car!

I was driving my son to his mother's house this past weekend and he began asking when he could get his own car. His mom and I live about 15 minutes from each other and his school, job and friends are by my house. He usually has access to her car, when he's spending the week with her but when he's with me, I choose to drive him around; even dropping him off and picking him up from school -- which is only a few blocks from the house. I work out of the house, so I can always arrange my schedule to get him where he needs to be.

I only have the one car and could certainly let him have it to go to school, work and hang out with his friends but I kind of like knowing it's available when I need it. I've always just driven him to where he needs to be. I know many of you reading this think I'm crazy. Well, now that he's 18 that's just plain silly.

After our discussion about the car, I realized why I haven't worked real hard to get him one of his own -- he's my "car buddy". His mom and I divorced when he was in pre-school and at the time we lived about 25 minutes apart. We had found a private school for him to attend (Pre-School to 8th Grade) that was close to where she worked and not far from my office and since we switched custody each week, we found it easier to make the switch at school each Friday afternoon. He had clothes and personal stuff at each house, so this was a great arrangement but it required at least 40 minutes in the car each day -- 20 minutes to school and 20 minutes back home after school.

I realize this now, the time in the car was our time to bond! I don't recall any earth shattering conversations but over the last 14 years the two of us have really enjoyed our time in the car. I always made a point not to have the radio on while we were in the car, so I could catch up on his day. Most days, we talked from the time he got in the car to the time I said goodbye. Well, that habit is kind of hard to break. As he's grown older, our "car time" is about the only time we talk, so I'm beginning to see why I've avoided the subject of getting him his own car. I don't want to lose my "car buddy"

I think the bond we have as father and son, was strengthened by that time we shared in the car but he is now 18 years old and building his own life, so perhaps its time for me to let that part of our relationship end. To be honest I'm not looking forward to that. Who would have thought that 40 minutes in a car each day would have such an effect. I'm going to miss my "car buddy"

Saturday, July 28, 2007

But I'm 18! I Should Be Able To Do What I Want


Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child

How many of you have heard this statement, "but I'm 18"? And I'm sure most of you have come up with the same response, "My house, my rules".

My son turned 18 in April but still has one year left of high school -- we waited a year to get him started in kindergarten. Up until just recently, I hadn't heard the "I'm 18" spiel but that didn't last for long. I've got a rule that he needs to be in by 1:00 AM and he needs to wake me up when he gets home -- he is still in high school. My reasoning -- not much good happens after midnight. He didn't really like that idea; not that he stays out that late very often but he wanted to have the option. (His mom wants him home by midnight when its her week so she's had the same conversation).

I wasn't sure how I was going to handle his response. He's legally able to do anything he wants. The armed forces keep sending him letters to join the fight, he doesn't have a legal curfew any longer, he has a job and has never gotten into any trouble. What Should I Do?!

I leaned on my childhood for a response. My folks had always said, "as long as you are living under my roof, you will live by my rules". I didn't want to say those exact words so I tried to explain the reason for wanting him home. Because I told him so!

Actually, we had a long talk about it. I just wanted him to know that the "curfew" was for my well being not only for his. I really don't like going to bed, not knowing when he's coming home or what he's doing. I told him I needed some time to adjust to this "being 18" thing and that he needed to prove to me that he was completely trustworthy. We agreed, that until he was out of High School that we would work with this arrangement and that if there was a need to stay out later, then he just needed to tell me and we would work it out.

Apparently, this communication thing works. I gave a little, he gave a little and we came up with an arrangement that works. Of course his mom isn't handling it the same way, but I told him, that moms really have a hard time with this and he needs to just suck it up until he's out of High School. The funny thing is, he's been living with his mom one week and me the next since he was around 4 years old and if he wanted to, he could choose to live with just one of us, rather than go back and forth between houses. To his credit it's never come up. He still loves his mom and wants to spend time with her and he's completely comfortable with our living situation.

Besides, he says when he graduates he''s moving out anyway; so his mom and I only have one year left. I'll believe it when I see it.

It's Been Awhile

I just looked at my directory of posts for this blog and was surprised that I hadn't posted anything here since April -- well that just won't do. It certainly isn't because I don't have anything to write, I've just been busy working on my other blogs.

Since my Squidoo lens on being a Single Dad is getting such a fantastic response, I've decided to post on this blog at least twice a week. I've got over 15 years of stories so it certainly won't be hard to come up with something.

I apologize for being away for so long.