Mom's House, Dad's House: Making Two Homes for Your Child
My son turned 18 in April but still has one year left of high school -- we waited a year to get him started in kindergarten. Up until just recently, I hadn't heard the "I'm 18" spiel but that didn't last for long. I've got a rule that he needs to be in by 1:00 AM and he needs to wake me up when he gets home -- he is still in high school. My reasoning -- not much good happens after midnight. He didn't really like that idea; not that he stays out that late very often but he wanted to have the option. (His mom wants him home by midnight when its her week so she's had the same conversation).
I wasn't sure how I was going to handle his response. He's legally able to do anything he wants. The armed forces keep sending him letters to join the fight, he doesn't have a legal curfew any longer, he has a job and has never gotten into any trouble. What Should I Do?!
I leaned on my childhood for a response. My folks had always said, "as long as you are living under my roof, you will live by my rules". I didn't want to say those exact words so I tried to explain the reason for wanting him home. Because I told him so!
Actually, we had a long talk about it. I just wanted him to know that the "curfew" was for my well being not only for his. I really don't like going to bed, not knowing when he's coming home or what he's doing. I told him I needed some time to adjust to this "being 18" thing and that he needed to prove to me that he was completely trustworthy. We agreed, that until he was out of High School that we would work with this arrangement and that if there was a need to stay out later, then he just needed to tell me and we would work it out.
Apparently, this communication thing works. I gave a little, he gave a little and we came up with an arrangement that works. Of course his mom isn't handling it the same way, but I told him, that moms really have a hard time with this and he needs to just suck it up until he's out of High School. The funny thing is, he's been living with his mom one week and me the next since he was around 4 years old and if he wanted to, he could choose to live with just one of us, rather than go back and forth between houses. To his credit it's never come up. He still loves his mom and wants to spend time with her and he's completely comfortable with our living situation.
Besides, he says when he graduates he''s moving out anyway; so his mom and I only have one year left. I'll believe it when I see it.
2 comments:
u can do ur best as a dad ....
Thanks for your post, you have written very well and l can relate to what you are saying. We all know that our children do grow up and become adults eventually..... the hard part as a parent is being able to take that step back and let our children live their lives as 'Adults' We as parents only want the best for our kids, we love them, we provide for them and we do our absolute best to protect them. As our children get older we must allow them more responsibility and even a bit more freedom.... but it ain't easy for us parents to deal with.
Personally l am not looking forward to 'not be in charge' of my daughters curfew times and what she can and can not do.... But when the time does come l will probably try to have teh same chat that you had.... and make my daughter understand that l will always be a loving, caring dad and that causes me to worry and be concerned when l do not know where she is or what she might be doing, and l hope that she will respect the fact that l do and always will worry, from that l hope she can enjoy the freedom that comes with adulthood, but at the same time help put my mind at ease as often as possible
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